I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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