filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
