somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
third nipple confirmed
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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