Acid is not a monday night drug
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
