If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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