Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
