just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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