It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
