Dignity is for republicans.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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