So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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