fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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