Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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