Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
you had me at cake vodka
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
