omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Randomize
