Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
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My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
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Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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