Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
