Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize