My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
