What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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