Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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