You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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