Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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