Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
