The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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