That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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