She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?