and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize