Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
