At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize