Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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