I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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