Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
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Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
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Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!