You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia