the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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