I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
