There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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