You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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