i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize