i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
