got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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