I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
