My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I supernannyed him into submission
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