just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
