Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
