I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
