The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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