dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
