My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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