if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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