I only kidnapped one of them. chill
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
