Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
