Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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