no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
